This Type of Waste

I think it was 2009 or 2010 when I lived for an entire year, including unemployment, on $19,000.  In the year-long moment I didn't realize it. It was only when I was doing my taxes for the previous year that I saw, and then cried. In San Francisco, that's not a lot of money for a year. Maybe it is in the Kentucky mountains or something. But not here.

Our prior office manager filed for unemployment. Turkey appealed. She fought the appeal. It went to a hearing. The hearing took so long that they needed to schedule a second hearing, to hear even more information. Turkey brought in his employment attorney to prep and attend both hearings. To date, he's spend $33,000 in legal bills on this.

Ask me how much his unemployment insurance would go up if Prior Office Manager is awarded unemployment. Go ahead, ask me. Okay, I'll tell you. IF five (or eight? I forgot the exact number) former employees file for it and are receiving at the same time, then Turkey's unemployment insurance payments go up LESS THAN 1%!

You know how there are all kinds of rules and regulations companies have to follow, as long as they have 20 or more employees? Yeah. Turkey has fewer than three full-time employees. He's got me, and Current Office Manager. Everyone else is part-time or an independent contractor. So I'm pretty confident in saying that less than 1% of Turkey's unemployment insurance payments are less than $33,000. 

Thus, Turkey wasted money. This is not the first time he's done something like this. He's gone to arbitration with former clients over outstanding legal bills and spent tens of thousands of dollars in time (he bills out at over $400 an hour, so it's pretty easy to calculate), all in an effort to get that former client to pay $2,000 that Turkey believes they owe him.

It's no joke to say that I could live on $33,000. Not well, but I could do it. It's things like this that cause me to have almost no respect for Turkey.

Hurt? Oh Good, Lemme Poke It

Former Office Manager warned me eons ago to never tell Turkey anything personal about myself, and to never let him see any weak spots. I don't recall her exact words, but the visual her words gave me was of having a bullet wound and him poking his finger into it and wiggling it around.

He's like that with clients too. Some law firms have companies as clients and some have people. Mine has both. People hire lawyers because they're in trouble, or they're worried they might be in the future.

An older woman hired my firm to do work for her because someone wronged her. She's dying of breast cancer, and she's trying to right the wrong before she dies. This is a really sweet older woman, one who calls us all dear. She's spent so much money on legal fees. Well over $20,000. That's not a lot for a company, but it's a lot for a person. It's more than I earned in 2010. She got told by Turkey to give us a credit card that we could charge $500 on each week. She did, and we used up the entire credit limit. She has no savings left, because she's spent them all on legal fees. Our legal fees.

She's been flying back East for treatments, and also to LA for some other cancer treatments. She knows Turkey doesn't read his emails regularly so she calls to tell me, "I've sent Turkey an email, would you be a dear and print it out to make sure he reads it?" I am happy to be a dear for her.

Usually when I make a mistake at work, only my boss knows if anyone does. But once, I made a huge mistake and she knew. She was at a Kinko's and asked me to fax her a specific email. She had to pay $1 per page received. I faxed her the wrong email. She called back frantic saying, "I already have that one; I needed the next one! I just wasted $6!" I felt so bad that I told our office manager, and asked him to credit her $6, and if Turkey said anything, I'd pay that money myself.

This morning I read a few emails Turkey sent to this client. He fired her. It's pretty unusual for a lawyer to fire their client. It's definitely unusual for a lawyer to fire their client by email, and as harshly as Turkey did it. It wasn't a gentle "Hilda, I am so sorry, but I just can't represent you anymore. It's been a pleasure working with you. If you still feel you require the services of an attorney, I suggest you call Heidi Ho." It was more like, "Hilda, fuck you, and fuck your little dog too. You're FIRED!"

Okay, it wasn't exactly like that. But even the WASP read the emails and said if she'd gotten those, she'd cry. I would too. He was harsh. Hey, I get it - when you're trying to run a business you need clients to pay you. But lawyers have this nifty thing called pro bono. That means clients they take on for free. Turkey doesn't do any pro bono work. Not for any of his clients.

I'm really bummed out today. I've seen other lawyers write off thousands and thousands of dollars in legal fees. Lawyers earning a LOT less than Turkey. Lawyers with families to support, lawyers with much lower incomes. Just lawyers who have hearts.

Shocking Moment

Who are we kidding? I've always had a big mouth, and nothing's changed. I decided today was the day I was definitely going to talk to the Turkey about Nicki. Totally got all riled up. Apparently it showed on my face, because upon sitting down in Turkey's office for our morning meeting, he announced I looked upset and asked what was wrong. Deep sigh. "Nicki."

Turkey waved his hand around, and was like "Don't even get me started!" Before I could launch into my speech, Turkey told me he's very upset with her too, and he was especially upset at hearing how she spoke to me yesterday. It was nice to hear that - I've never heard anyone say they disliked someone being mean or disrespectful to me.

Nicki has, as of tonight, left for a three-week trip. During this morning's meeting Turkey was going to talk to her today, but he hadn't realized she wasn't coming into the office. It is not clear if he is going to tell her not to bother coming back or if he'll put up with her just to give her a chance to change her attitude towards her work. About a week ago she sent a check to Turkey's bank without a deposit slip, and Turkey had written checks against that money.

Now personally, I would think he'd have overdraft protection being a multi-millionaire and all, but maybe not. When he found out about the check he was pretty furious at Nicki, but she didn't seem to grasp that she'd royally screwed up. Anyway. We'll see what happens - how the substitute works out, and whether she's allowed back.

Gay or Straight?

Turkey is the most inappropriate boss to ever live in current times. He used the word "tits" in an email to me recently. A couple of weeks ago, when he called from out of the office he used the term "my balls" when referring to how he hides a key for a filing cabinet in a box that contains ben wa balls.

Most recently, the substitute for Nicki interrupted the morning meeting Turkey and I have each day. After he walked out, Turkey looked at me. "What do you think? Gay or straight?"

Whoa there. We're at work! I know this is your law firm and you think you can do whatever you want, but asking an employee about another employee's sexual orientation is wildly inappropriate at best, and sexual harassment at its worst. I wanted to just smack my hand down on his desk, yelling "For god's sake, FILTER!"

But that wouldn't have gone over well, so I just smiled shyly and shrugged, which was the best I could come up with in the quarter second I had to think about how to react. How would you have answered that one?

For the record, I think the substitute is straight.

Tell Me to Keep My Mouth Shut

Turkey got a new personal assistant a couple of months ago. Now somebody new slices his salami. Let's say the new personal assistant's name is Nicki. I like Nicki as a person. She's fun to talk with, and it'd be fun to hang out with her. For maybe two hours, three hours tops. She's got a frenetic energy to her that, mixed with Red Bull, I find a little exhausting. She's 28, and acts like it. The office manager is 11 years older than I am, and even with that big of an age-gap, we both feel like Nicki's distinctly in a different generation than we are.

Nicki confuses aggressive with assertive. Nicki thinks she is the best thing since organic, whole-wheat, locally sliced bread. She does not know how to pull her own weight. She thinks she is smarter than everyone around her. Now, to be perfectly honest, I think with a little bit of training, I could do a better job than Turkey at what he does. But Nicki has never worked in an office together, and based on how she gets along with all of us, she clearly failed kindergarten.

Nicki works remotely sometimes. She is supposed to be able to access our Outlook system via her iPhone. Yet she is forever calling me from afar and saying, "Hey, can you give me Julie Ducket's phone number?" Here's the wild and crazy thing: she does this when she's in the office too. Forever claiming she can't find someone within the Contacts. I've told her more than once that she needs to have access to Turkey's calendar and contacts, and if she doesn't, to call IT and make them make it happen. I guess it's easier for her to just ask me.

All work emails sent to Nicki are supposed to both go to her work email address, and automatically forward to her gmail. She has a habit of not doing tasks Turkey gives her, and then claiming she didn't receive the email telling her to do said task. Last week she claimed she only gets emails forwarded to gmail if the Outlook program is open on her work computer. I don't believe that, but fine, so the second Turkey relayed Nicki was telling him this, I got out of my seat, went to her computer, and opened Outlook.

Three hours later when she still hadn't done the task, she told Turkey I had only turned on her computer. That I hadn't understood her Outlook program also needed to be open. Bullshit. She just didn't want to do what she'd been told.

The very first task Nicki was given two months ago, was not done. Office Manager and I were supposed to do it last week since Nicki didn't do it, but we were both busy doing our regular work and didn't get around to it. Tomorrow, Nicki leaves for Germany for three weeks (don't ask) and her substitute started today. I decided to punt, and gave him this file cabinet project from hell.

When I told Nicki that, she was happy, and I gently said I'd gotten the impression she simply was never going to do it. She nodded in agreement, and told me, "That ... stuff, isn't my forte." Yeah, no shit. Seems like a lot of things fall into that category. Problem is, when Nicki doesn't do things, someone else has to do them. It is not acceptable (to me) when that person is me!

Girlie

A friend just told me today that it's very common for gay men to be misogynistic. It took me about three years to grasp the meaning of that word, and I still have to look it up sometimes (don't even start with the word ambivalent), but Turkey, who is gay, is definitely very misogynistic.

The other day he had his new personal assistant going through the over 16,000 unread emails he had to delete or print them as appropriate. We ran across several sexually explicit emails sent to him. He had to have known he gets porny spam. His allowing, hell ordering, women in his office to be subjected to that is sexual harassment.

I'm not even outraged anymore. Turkey does so many wildly inappropriate things that this is barely even one of them. From digging deep into his ass from outside his pants while chatting with employees, to constantly talking about how he's going to "the bahhhthroom", to handing me a stack of legal journals and instructing me to put them in the men's restroom for him to read there, to making comments about employees' breasts. He is a ball of inappropriateness.

Turkey is out this week but I haven't been able to properly enjoy it, and that annoys me. And it annoys me that Turkey annoys me even when he's not around.

Just Start

There is so much to say. So, so very much. I can't even figure out how to catch you all up. I'm still unmarried without kids. Didn't win the lotto. It's officially been a year working for the Turkey (including temp time, but same employer so it counts). Still trying to find a new job, still trying to find a new apartment. Today as I put down my bag and iPod after walking home from work, I realized, "I am 35 and have been job-hunting for all of my thirties." This thought made me want to Take To Bed (a phrase I've been loving lately) immediately.

Tomorrow I have to get up at ass o'clock to get to a meeting with a recruiter. My parents are coming to town in about a month. I am re-thinking a trip I was tentatively planning for later this year.

You know what I wish? I wish I was better at being a person. Yes, I know - you're supposed to say you wish you were a better cook, or better at clothing shopping, or reading a map or whatever. I don't really need to be a better cook - I'm only cooking for me anyway. When I went to visit my grandmother after my grandfather (not the one I wrote about, the other one) died she told me now that she wasn't cooking for her husband anymore, she didn't cook.

Last night I only slept for two hours. Remember the movie Precious? Well, the book was called Push. I'm reading the sequel. It's about the son Precious had. Hard book to read due to the style of writing.

Trixie got married and had a baby. It's a girl. I haven't seen it yet, but Trixie is really cute and her husband is really handsome so I'm sure the baby is adorable.

Lately I have been chatting on Facebook with a girl from my private high school. When we first got back in touch, she was really bat-shit crazy and I was holding her at a distance. She tried to invite herself to stay with me, and even when I kept explaining I don't even have enough floor space to walk a straight line. Ultimately she went to live with her mother in Florida for a few months, and then moved back to where she'd been. The difference in her was astounding, and I asked about it. I can't believe it needed to be said to me, of all people, but she explained, "I was facing homelessness - how would you behave if you were?"

It made me think about the time I screamed at my friend so loudly that it ripped my throat. Because after paying rent and for a cell phone with my unemployment checks I had about $200 left each month. Because I'd been looking for work for so long with not enough luck. It left me feeling stupid that I hadn't realized the depths of what she was going through.

Speaking of homeless, I saw my homeless friend/neighbor this morning. His dog wasn't with him. Felt like a five year old, but still came right out with it. "Hi, where's your dog?" The guy shared that the dog was staying with his friend, because he'd been sick and in the hospital. Well. Okay then. Probably just skimmed the surface there.

But isn't that what most conversations do? Skim the surface of what really needs to be said?

Well Here's Something Curious

This is an email I got recently:

Dear Green Yogurt.

We are happy to offer you the place of Assistant Manager in our company. We are interested in the value that you to our business.

first of all we would like you to catch the gist of our policy. Our firm deals with global consulting, outsourcing and diverse IT services and support.

Bringing together different experience, modern data in the field of industry and extensive research of top enterprises, we collaborate with clients of different level to help them to appear leading enterprises. Due to our industry competence, managerial skills and technological expertise we apply new trends in business and technology and then develop solutions to assist enterprises worldwide.

Before you accept the position please study the following terms and conditions attentively:
1. Position:

• You are hired for the position of Assistant Manager permanently. This is a long-term position
  
• Your main responsibilities will be to provide customer support, explore different clients databases, do administration duties, monitor company’s finance and analyze fiscal reports and reports of internal use.
  

2. Pay:

• Initial salary is $4,500 per month. Your compensation is disbursed bi-weekly in compliance with the Company’s standard payroll system.
  
• The employee is to complete the 2-week training period with a salary of $1,800 paid at the end of the training.
  
• Normal working hours are based on the usual operating time of the Company and are expected to be from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Monday through Friday, with a one hour break. Training hours can be negotiated.
  
• Operating on corporate and individual level we grant unique cooperation possibilities to our managers who obtain an opportunity to participate in carrying on serious business contracts with different bonuses. The bonuses can reach several thousand dollars.
  

3. Benefits and Retirement payments:

• As a legal employee, you will be subject to the Company`s benefit plans for staff including total medical and dental coverage, 401k retirement account and vacation and personal days.
  

To apply please send the following details:
1. Your country
2. First name and last name
3. Contact phone numbers cell, landline
4. E-mail
Letters of recommendation are welcome if possible.

By taking our offer of employment, you certify your understanding that this employment will be on an at-will basis, and that neither yourself nor the Company has entered into a contract regarding the conditions or the duration of your employment. As an at-will employee, you will be able to terminate your employment with the Company at any time, with or without reason or advance notice. Similarly, the Company will have the right to reassign you or to terminate your employment at any moment, with or without reason or advance notice.

We look forward to welcoming you in our enterprise and are sure that you will play an important role in our company's expansion into national and international markets.

HR Dept.

It's hard to understand why, if they're offering me the job at the top of the email, they're inviting me to apply at the bottom of the email. Quite frankly, I'm surprised they didn't ask for my social security number.

Lunching With My Gay Crush

There's this outrageously hot gay subtenant at work who I have a crush on. I kid you not, I have giggled at things he's said. Giggled. He's just so prettttttty. And smart. And funny. I don't remember how it went down, but the Turkey said something to me, I made a face, and Gay Crush mumbled something that let me know he knew Turkey was ... well, a turkey. My love for him was cemented.

Luckily I don't twirl around in my chair while giggling all day long, though that does sound fun. Gay Crush and I chat throughout the day. Not so much when Turkey's around, or when GC is busy, but enough that we know some basics about each other's lives. For example, I know GC has an equally pretty boyfriend who he lives with. GC knows if Turkey's not around and I'm not busy, he can chat with me about the Bravo shows.

About two weeks ago GC and I went to lunch. How we came to have a lunch date really took me by surprise. I was reading a review of a nearby restaurant and happened to ask GC if he'd gone there. He hadn't and when I said I hadn't either but was intrigued by it, GC asked, "Wanna go?" I replied, "With you? OH MY GOD YES!" Okay, no I didn't, but that's totally what happened in my head. In actuality, I shrugged and said sure.

It took us forever to actually go. CG travels a lot, so he's out of the office at least one week each month. I wanted to go on a day when Turkey was out of the office, so I wouldn't have to worry about getting back in exactly 60 minutes. Then I was sick for about a month and wanted to wait to go until I was better, so I'd be able to taste food. Then GC got busy with work and wasn't taking lunches.

Finally though, all the stars aligned and CG asked me one Monday, "Hey, are we doing our lunch this week? How about tomorrow?" So it was tomorrow. I picked out my least ugly outfit. I dug out my Clinique Bonus Time free lipstick. I took the advice my cousin's husband gave me over a decade ago and read the newspaper, stockpiling topics we could talk about. I even double-checked the menu online to make sure there were still things on there that I like. I was prepared.

We walked over and got seated. Immediately, there was an awkward happening. Gay Crush is a bit of a lush. Not at work of course, but he totally goes home and boozes it up with his partner while they have dinner each night. He asked if I'd be getting something to drink. The thing is, I only ever drink water in restaurants. GC seemed to want to get a glass of wine or something. I told him I didn't mind if he got wine. "Oh, you'll get one too?" It felt awkward telling him, "Oh, no, I just meant it's not an alcoholic thing with my not drinking - you should totally feel free to drink if you want to." Yeah. He had water. Apparently people feel weird boozing it up if the person they're with isn't also boozing it up.

Luckily, we managed to get past this, and Gay Crush asked if I wanted to share a side dish with him. Sharing food? How intimate, of course! Then we ordered our food, and Gay Crush decided it was the perfect time to tell me the history of his quest to keep from going bald. Yes, you read that correctly. I had to sit there and listen to GC talk all about balding medications. For the record, he has perfectly nice hair. No power alleys or comb-overs or anything.

GC then pointed out how he dressed up for our lunch, by wearing jeans and a button-down shirt instead of his usual jeans and a polo. I confessed to wearing mascara as my effort to dress up. We laughed. We shared a side of fancy mac & cheese. I arrived at the lunch prepared to pay, but GC insisted he'd pay. He didn't look at his Crackberry once throughout the entire meal. He made gay jokes. Told me about his experiences as a child of having his parents deal with all injuries by getting antibiotics cheaply from Mexico (he's from CA, near the border).

I was worried it'd be weird when we got back to the office, but it wasn't. I'm not sure exactly how that was avoided, but ... it was so normal that it almost made me wonder why I even worried it'd be weird in the first place. I bet it was thanks to the mascara.

The Wasp Talks About Farting

In church. That's right you guys. I may not go out to parties and date tons of hot guys, but I can get a WASPy woman who wears low ponytails and turtlenecks to tell me a story about farting in a church. With how good I am at getting people to open up, I should be interviewing famous people!

Let's start with Chris Brown. Chris, why do you think you deserve to not have to complete your community service? Chris, if you had a daughter, how would you feel to know she'd tweeted that she'd be happy to have a boy beat her? Chris, what do you think is wrong with you that you're not embarrassed to show your face in public?

Anywayyyy. It turns out the WASP has a great sense of humor and although she's pretty conservative in lifestyle, she can joke about wacky things with the rest of them.

So she was telling me about how over the weekend, she went to church with her two elementary-aged kids. Apparently one was supposed to go sit with another bunch of kids, but refused to go without the WASP. Good, supportive mom that the WASP is, she went to sit in the pews with the kids.

Wasp Son was sitting next to a little girl, and on his other side, was WASP. During the service, the little girl farted. Loudly. More than once. Apparently Wasp Son knew he wasn't supposed to laugh, but couldn't help it. WASP reported to me that his entire body was shaking with laughter as he tried to hold it in, which caused her to start. She had tears rolling down her eyes, and finally just grabbed Wasp Son and hauled him out of the chapel (church?). The second they got away he burst out with, "Mommy, I'm so sorry for laughing at the farting and making you laugh at it too!"

I'm having a really hard time at work lately. This story was recounted to me at the start of the day, and was the only funny part of the day today.

Madonna Has Zero Body Fat

I watched her halftime show and was not a fan of the hat or her hair. It was a relief when the hat came off. Even though there's now a thing called hairography I'm still not a fan of extensions.

I hear you call my name, and it feels like home.

I was twelve years old when Like a Prayer came out. Madonna had a big Pepsi endorsement then, and Pepsi including the song in their commercials. My dad used to pick me up from hebrew school twice a week, and I remember talking with him about Pepsi yanking their contract with Madonna because of her Like a Prayer video, because she kissed a black Jesus on the lips. At least that's what I understood as a Jewish 12 year-old girl. Now that I've looked it up, the guy is supposed to be a saint.

While I was able to recognize that french kissing was inappropriate in any religious setting, I sided with Madonna at the time. It was clear to me even then that she was doing it to be controversial, that that's what she was all about.

You know what I was thinking while watching that halftime show?

1. If you looked solely at the choreography and costumes, you could have picked up this show and placed it in 1989 and it'd have worked just fine. Like ballet flats, it's nice to see concepts cross decades. (You'll note Madonna wears black ballet flats in the Like a Prayer video.)

2. Madonna didn't lie. She said in interviews leading up to the Superbowl that there would be no wardrobe malfunctions and there weren't any. In fact, if you looked at what she was wearing, it provided a lot more coverage than the Madonna costumes of yore. Gone are the weird cone boobs. For the Superbowl, she was practically wearing a dress that'd be appropriate in a church. Madonna's dancing is a little provocative , but her outfits certainly weren't.

Who's First?

One of my responsibilities at work is to open the mail. I date-stamp it in the upper-right corner. Sometimes, Turkey gives the mail back to me with instructions.

Turkey makes lots of mistakes. He's late all the time. Today he shat his pants and then sprayed his entire body with at least half a can of Lysol. I could smell him from ten feet away. But you know, Turkey isn't the only person who makes mistakes. Read that first paragraph carefully. Somebody surely got fired for that one, right? Right?!

Where Are You?

Assistant is only two years younger than I am, and I'm not at all mature, but she makes me look like a downright upstanding citizen with how immature she is. She's like a sixteen year old. Hey here's a little tip for those of you new to office-life: when you're in the office, don't start doing yoga stretches, especially while talking to people you work with.

Personal Assistant is very passive-aggressive, which I consider to be a somewhat immature trait. She has an erratic schedule. There's a communal calendar where she's forever writing in that she'll be in the office, but never follows that. It's gotten to the point where if someone asks me when PA will be in the office, the only answer I can give is, "She'll be here when she shows up." I don't say it to be a wise-ass, or to be difficult, but because it is the only truth I can count on.

I have had to speak with both Turkey and PA to tell them to stop putting me in the middle of their power struggles via email. At least once a week Turkey tells me to contact PA to find out if she'll be in today or what time she'll be in. She is forever sick and on vacation and taking a day off.

She will email instructing me to tell Turkey that since she doesn't have anything to go over with him, she won't be in. He will tell me that he has things to go over with her, that she doesn't know about. Once I relay this, PA will write back saying she is at an appointment and will be busy the rest of the afternoon. I am then forced to tell Turkey this, and stand there watching his right cheek twitch in anger.

It's a very awkward position to be in - to have someone who's your equal using you to avoid your boss and to have your boss instructing you to pressure your equal to do things she's making clear she doesn't want to do. That's why I told both of them they needed to leave me out of it and communicate directly with each other.

Then He Cried

Office Manger worked for Turkey for ten very long years. She worked for him while she moved her parents into her home as they came to be unable to care for themselves and each other. She worked for him while her daughter and grandson moved in with her. At one point, four generations were living under her roof. She worked for him as, one by one, her parents died. She worked for him as she was diagnosed with, and then learned to manage, diabetes. Office Manager worked for Turkey while more than ten secretaries came in and out of the office.

Back when I temped for Turkey, Office Manager handled all human resource-type things. In April, as I was starting, Turkey closed his office door to tell me he was taking that over from Office Manager. So what exactly was Office Manager supposed to be doing with all her time? How much managing did our office really need? Office Manager had also been promised some number of paralegal (a.k.a. billable) hours each week, and it was in her contract that she'd get paid for them, whether or not Turkey was able to bill out for them. So if he didn't have the paralegal work to give her, he still had to pay her anyway. He almost never had the paralegal work to give her. Why? Because he has a crush on the (straight, and married) architect, so he gave him almost all the paralegal work.

So back in the fall, Office Manager gave five weeks of notice, per her contract. Then, in the first week of December, her last day came, and sadly Office Manager was gone. A few weeks ago, since I open all the mall, I became aware of the fact that Office Manager filed for unemployment, claiming constructive termination. I had to look it up.

When I thought about what it means, how it can be applied, and the truth of things that happened with Turkey and Office Manager, I smiled. She had a shot. When Turkey saw the mail he asked if I'd read it. I told him I never read the mail, just look at it enough to see who it goes to, with the only exception being when Turkey is out of town.

Turkey is a guy who overshares. He tells me every time he's going to the bathroom. He slams family members and co-workers to me (and other co-workers). Turkey also lets me (and others) see what would seem like incredibly personal documents regarding his life. It's almost like passive-aggressively showing off, to let everyone in the office know how much you paid for your second home.

Today something came in the mail basically saying that Office Manager submitted paperwork proving her claim of constructive termination and while Turkey can appeal, they will begin paying her. Turkey asked if I'd read the documents, and I told him no, that I just open and date-stamp everything before distribution. He folded the pages back up and tucked them under his arm. His cheek twitched, and Turkey told me he needed to take a few deep breathes. I asked if he wanted me to come back, but he said no, so I sat and waited.

It was awkward. Turkey sat, looking down, breathing, while I sat in silence. In my head I'm quite fidgety, but lawyers don't want someone fidgeting on the other side of their desk, so I force myself to sit still. We probably sat, breathing, for about 45 seconds before Turkey resumed opening his mail. What? Don't you sit with your boss providing moral support while he goes through his mail each day? What do you mean that's a waste of time?

Turkey asked once more if I'd looked at the mail. Once more, I gave him my standard reply. We continued on with the mail. It was clear Turkey wanted to be finished quickly, and when we were, he told me to close his office door on the way out. I reminded him that he had to leave in 45 minutes for a meeting. Turkey immediately got on his cell phone, and the WASP and I could hear his tone of voice through the wall. It wasn't pretty. The two of each other looked at each other in shock as we heard the noises he was making. I've been a legal secretary for 15 years, and this was a first.

Open the Windows!

My slumlord is cheap and doesn't pay for garbage pickup on the weekends. He also didn't want to pay for garbage pickup at two ends of the building, so it only goes into one place. That place sadly, is right below my apartment. This means unfortunately, that by Sundays my apartment smells pretty gross and by Monday mornings, the smell is so bad that I worry I smell badly. On Monday mornings after the trash goes out for pickup, the maintenance guys mop the hallway floors. I'm not sure what chemical it is they use on the floors, but it reeks horridly, and the smell of course spreads to the apartments.

There are windows in the hallways, but there have been signs up next to them from the landlord saying they are not the tenant's windows and as such we do not have the right to open them. Furthermore, we will be fined if he catches us (there are cameras all over the building). Recently a notice by the City was posted right outside the front door to the building, telling the landlord he was in violation of a bunch of laws.

One had to do with not allowing us to open windows. Today, as I was walking back to my apartment after dropping off rent and requesting my landlord fix my kitchen light fixture, a guy was frantically opening all the hallway windows while yelling "Open the windows! Open the windows!" He was trying to get me to agree that it's not healthy for us to have no outlet for the chemicals used to clean the floors. Telling me the landlord isn't allowed to refuse to allow us to open the hallway windows.

I was wearing a hoodie, jeans and flipflops. In no way did I look at all official. Although it turns out my landlord has hired attorneys who happen to be sub-tenants at my office, I do not work for them. I don't work for my landlord. There was no reason for this guy to get me on his side. I hold no power.

When the maintenance guy came to fix my kitchen light he asked if I'd heard all the yelling. I nodded and told him it was about the windows. Hector then spilled the gossip about the Yeller. Apparently he had a back injury and got hooked on painkillers. Hector went on to further explain that the guy is also an alcoholic, and the combination of the two is not good. Well! Thanks for all the gossip on the guy who I formerly only knew of as the guy who had a bike and always holds the door for me.

Are we now free to open the hallway windows without fear of getting in trouble? I don't know. The important thing is though, now I know who to go to when building gossip is needed. Hector!